Dealing With Repressed Sexual Issues

Comment on the last two dreams:
I vaguely remembered the story of Red Riding Hood from my childhood. I looked up the story on Wikipedia to see what else I might be able to glean off this last dream. I was struck by three things mentioned on Wikipedia about the fairy tale.

1) The symbol of RRH being cut out of the wolf’s belly as a representation of the dawning.

2) The story seen as a sexual awakening or a parable of sexual maturity.

3) As a warning to stay on the path.

It always amazes me how insightful my dreams are. What they reveal is always profound. Just last week I became willing to uncover another layer of my recovery that centers on sex and love issues. It has come as a result of my deep dissillusionment with the dating scene now that I am single. I’m just now getting to the point where I have sought out help from yet another support group in addition to my therapist. I have finally reached a point where I feel I can talk through my repressed and disassociated feelings. Many of these issues go back to my childhood. In my earlier dream where I am taking a shower to prepare myself for my date who is to arrive in 20 minutes, I instantly knew I had repressed layer upon layer (the t-shrirts) of childhood feelings regarding my sexuality. I need to work through those old feelings of feeling dirty and unclean in people’s eyes. I knew I was gay before I ever knew what sex was. I was probably in the 2nd grade a the time. I also know in order for me to ever have a healthy relationship in the future, I have to start by coming to terms with my behaviors surrounding my last relationship. On the bright side, it has the promise of being a short process, 20 minutes is not a long time to wait for a date to arrive into my life. I think most of the work has already been done. I’m already living a new life. The spiritual void I have been feeling as a result of my dissillusionment I believe God has given me so that I won’t gloss over my past as I have always done. I simply have to stop procrastinating and get in touch with those past feelings so that I can move forward and finally mature sexually.  I even signed up to go on a spiritual retreat with 33 other members of this support group for a weekend of workshops and sharing.  I’m looking forward to finally getting this stuff off my chest.  I’m going to purge it all and allow God to lighten my burdens.

Stop Procrastinating Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding HoodLast night my entire dream was about my procrastination on issuing a single command to change or set the secret key in the system’s configuration file. I know the command that needs to be issued. I’ve issued the command many times in the past. It is a rather long command that centers on the secret key. I am having trouble staying focused, constantly hesitating and waiting for a moment when I’m perfectly situated without distractions. I have one excuse after another. My head hurts from the pressure placed on me to execute the command without endangering the system. I don’t have a development system on which to test it out. The command must be issued against the actual system.

In the morning my alarm clock rings. I had not yet issued the command. I wanted to go back to issue it because I knew it backwards and forwards but why was I hesitating? I snoozed my alarm and began my meditation to try to go back. I see a vision of a memory from my earlier dream where again I was taken back to a corridor laid with marble floors and marble columns lining a beautiful promenade. At the far end I can see a pristine blue ocean. I want to walk the path along the promenade. I want to reach the other side. I am lost in the beauty of my surroundings. My alarm clock rings.

Left with unfinished business, I snooze the alarm a second time and return to my meditative vision. This time I see a caricature of a wolf seated on a sofa with one arm stretched out along the backrest. He is talking to me. His mouth is moving and I can see his facial expressions changing but I hear no sound. He is speaking to me telepathically. He places the story of Red Riding Hood into my mind.

Uncovering Layers From My Childhood

Early this morning, I had a dream where a guy who I’ve been working on getting together with for a date, calls me on the phone.  He asks me if I’m still interested because he has some free time today.  Excited at the prospect of a date, I tell him that I am interested.  He tells me it would have to be now since he has a commitment later in the evening.  He lives over near the aquarium shop where I frequently go.  I’ve traveled his path often.  I’m trying to give him directions but for some reason I’m having trouble remembering the turns he should take.  He tells me it should only take him about 20 minutes to get to my house.  I am thinking it will give me just enough time to shower and get ready. 

T-ShirtI hang up the phone and proceed to jump in the shower.  I notice the shower is configured exactly like the one we had when I was a child living on Crown Hill. Instead of having the knobs and showerhead at one end, they are mounted along the long part of the shower tub.  I feel dirty, sweaty and gritty.  I jump in the shower and begin washing myself.  I then realize I still have my t-shirt on.  I quickly take it off and continue showering.  Same thing happens.  I’m feeling unclean again.  I then notice I have another t-shirt on which is sticking to my skin.  Again with a bit of difficulty, I remove the second t-shirt and continue showering.

Again, I’m feeling dirty.  I then notice I have yet another shirt on.  What is going on?  I’m looking at the t-shirt and it is a t-shirt from my childhood which now fits way too tight on me.  Underneath that one I have 5 other layers of shirts on underneath.  They are all sticking to my skin with the water from the shower.  They are all shirts from different periods of my childhood.  I can’t get them off because they are simply too tight.  I need help getting them off but no one is around to help me. 

My ex Joe walks into the bathroom. I feel awkward about asking him to help me get ready for a date but he is the only one around who can help me.  At this point, I’m more interested in getting rid of this feeling of being dirty.  Underneath the shirts my skin is raw and very sensitive.  I realize my skin has not seen the light of day in a very long time.   I want to remove the shirts and allow the water to refresh my skin; to breathe freely.  I know I won’t be able to be intimate with someone until I allow time for my skin to heal.  I ask Joe to help me take the shirts off my back. 

Dreaming for World Peace

World PeaceI had another one of my visitation dreams early this morning so I know my meditations are working. I meditated for world peace as I laid in bed before falling asleep last night. In the dream, I see a black woman in spirit who is very beautiful with thick black curly hair with very large and supple lips. I know she has to be an angel even though she represents the shadow self. There is a somber sense of quiet peace about her.In the dream she was passing by my bed as I slept at night (I guess you could call this a false dream). I knew she represented the shadow aspect of humanity that is now coming up to the surface to be given the light of day. I was determined to change and resolve conflict and bring peace into the world. So I swung my paralyzed dream arm as hard as I possibly could to grab her and bring her back with me.

I woke up from out of the dream in that instant as my limp arm went flying in front of me. With my eyes now open, above my head was her hypnopompic image as she looked down at me in surprise. I immediately felt the need to apologize for swinging my arm at her. I saw from about the area of her right shoulder appeared a red laser beam of light like the ones they use to lock on to a military target. I knew I had locked on to my intention for world peace. Her image hovered over me for about 2 minutes while my eyes remained open before she and the red beam of light vanished into daybreak. The veil of separation is slowly losing its grip. Soon I know it will be phenomena that will be commonly accepted.

Day Two: 7 Requests for Reviews

Day Two; 7 Requests for Reviews

The Emanuel for Love press release through PRWeb went out yesterday.  I Google’d myself and was surprised to see all the places where my news release is being picked up.  Wow, how’s that for popularity overnight?  Even my blog, “Living the Dream” is being picked up.  Apparently, if you want to say something, say it in a blog.  

 

Here is this self published author struggling to get his divinely inspired message out to the masses.  How does one cry, “bleeding heart” in a crowd this size?  It still seems like insurmountable odds.  If this message really is divine in its origin, how would God use me to get his message across?  Sometimes I can’t see it.  One thing is for certain, the heavens can see farther on a stormy day than I could ever see on a clear day.  I know God will part the sea because this message must be heard.

 

I was overwhelmed by the amount of work not to mention expense that is involved in publishing a book. For those illusive reviews…the universe sent help. Bostick Communications crossed my path yesterday.  I immediately grabbed hold of the life raft and signed on to their distribution service without even giving it a second.  The universe said jump and I did.  They offer a Religion Press Distribution package to deliver your press release to the religion editors at the major media markets with follow up phone calls to key editors.  It was exactly what I needed.  I’ve had 7 requests so far for review copies of my book. That makes 8 so far including the Clarion Review.

 

 

I had another one of those visitation dreams this morning….

Day ONE; The Press Release

Today is Day ONE.

Numerologically, September 10th, 2007 is equal to 9+10=2007 = 2026 which in turn in equal to 2+0+2+6 = 10 which is equal to 1+0 = 1.   For me, this day has great significance.  It comes with the promise of a new beginning.  A day where peace can be allowed to flourish.  Let it be the day we erase terrorism from our minds.  It is the dawning of a new age.  It is the Age of Aquarius.  Give this day special significance for you.  Meditate on Peace today.  Make it the begining of something new for you also.  Share this with your friends.  Together we can all make a difference. 

For me today is also special in another way.  I also timed my book’s official press release to coincide with this day.  I wanted to share the link with you all.  To see and read a copy of the click on press release.  

Maryland Renaissance Festival


Renaissance Festival

This past Sunday I went to the
Maryland Renaissance Festival
in Annapolis,MD with my friend Chad.

We spent a good part of the day there. 
We had a lot of fun.  It was amazing to see all
the people who
Greenman
were really getting into the spirit of the festival. 
There were so many people there many in costumes. 
There were games for the kids and everyone seemed to be having a great
time.  I could have spent a

small fortune there with

all the wonderful things for
sale.  It amazes me the quality with which some

of these artisans work.  I wish I co
uld
have been so artistically inclined.  I’ll
definitely plan on going in future years.  It
was 10 times bigger than the
Maryland Faerie Festival
and 100 times bigger than the

Greenbelt Greenman Festival both of which I went to this year.
 I’ve been trying to get out and do things I
wouldn’t normally find myself doing.  It’s a
lot of work living out of character but it is what I need to do to stay
connected.  At some point,

maybe it will become second
nature.  In the meantime it is work.

The Illusive Book Review

I thought the hard part would be writing the book.  Now I’m faced with the illusive book review.  Yeah apparently you have to get people to review your book.  Not just anyone will do.  They must be credible book reviewers.  So now my job is to beat the pavement and send out queries to prospective reviewers asking them to review my book.  Once they agree to review your book you need to send them a free copy.  Well I tend to be a bit impatient at certain times so I’ll hire it done.  Yeah I forked out $305 to have a professional book review done of my book.  I retained Clarion to review my book. Here is where we’ll see the objective truth.  All my money guarantees is a fair and honest evaluation of my book.  God willing it will come back glowing.  I think a glowing review in my favor whether I paid for it or not will make it easier to get other free reviews.  I paid the $305 dollars and sent them a copy of the book.  I’m told it takes 6 to 8 weeks to turn around the review.  Stay tuned and mark your calendar.  Will I be glowing or will I be frowning.

It's a Boy and We Named Him Steven

Sleeping BabyI had a dream where I am told that my best friend Dinah has given birth to a son and that I am the father. I feel like I have amnesia because I can’t ever remember having sexual relations with Dinah but they tell me that it is true. He is my son and Dinah has named him Steven. What I do remember is how much I love and care for Dinah. I feel that even though I can’t remember when it happened, it is totally possible. I am so happy. To have a son is something I have always dreamed of having, especially a child of my own flesh and blood. I am handed the boy wrapped tightly in a blanket. His little face looks up to me and he is just so beautiful to behold. I kiss his little lips so tenderly and repeatedly. I finally have a son of my own. I want to take him home with me. I begin to think of the life we will have together and the many things I will teach my son. As I get ready to leave my memory returns and I recall that Dinah is married and has a husband and a family of her own. This is a dream. I pause in my step and turn around. With a heavy heart, I return the child but before I hand him over I think I could possibly make a different choice at this moment and change the course of events and change the past. I’m aware of the power I possess within the dream to change history but I simply cannot take a son at the expense of my friendship with Dinah. For but a brief moment, I had a son.


As I journaled this dream just now I found it odd that my dream would choose the name Steven as the birth name of my son.  I don’t have anyone in my family or circle of friends named Steven.  Is there any significance in the name Steven?  As I’m in the habit of doing, I looked up the name in my trusted Wikipedia where I found the following:

Stephen or Steven (generally pronounced IPA [ˈstivn̩]) is an English masculine first name, derived through the Latin form Stephanus from the Greek Στέφανος (Stephanos), which means “crown” or “wreath.”

I’ve been chatting with my friend David Kahn who’s recently been dreaming babies.  He like me recently authored a book.  This creation we’ve each placed forth in the pages of a book is not unlike giving birth to a child.  Our books now have a life all unto there own.  What an honor it is to have the dream confirm the crown upon my book, my child.  These things amaze me when the riddles are solved and you the dreamer had no conscious input to formulate the outcome.  There was no mistake made in the name bestowed on my child by the dream.  It was not random.  It has purpose.  It has meaning.  It is the raw material upon which life itself is lived.   

A Life lived off the Cuff

Off the CuffThanksgiving 2005 was the day my life would change forever. I dropped dead and somehow was allowed to return because I had yet to fulfill my true calling. I saw the life drain from my eyes as the lights were turned off in my head. I saw the light in the tunnel where I was met by others who showed me what I had done with my life. On the gurney was a withered hand and forearm, a symbol of that part of me that I had not yet extended to humanity. My book, my life and these websites are an attempt now to offer a loving hand. It has become my calling. There is no other reason for my living than to fulfill what had yet to be fulfilled.

I sometimes feel stuck. Not knowing the right answers or the next right move. I’m told in deep meditation, “You already know the way. You have done this before.” There is a place within me that does have the answers. It is a place within us all where we share in the light of our True Self. The answers received are not however the instructional answers we are used to receiving like a recipe with measured amounts. Life is meant to be lived in the moment and off the cuff.